


Mission to Sell

by Venstar



Series: Mission Transcripts [4]
Category: James Bond (Craig movies)
Genre: M/M, Prompt Fill, Script Format
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-30
Updated: 2016-07-30
Packaged: 2018-07-27 14:51:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7622959
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Venstar/pseuds/Venstar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Q’s eyes closed and he listened to the two agents as they left the safety of the hotel room for the unknown risk of the auction. To sell, perchance to buy - ay, there’s that rub.  For in that sell of death, what dreams may come?  Q twisted the lines of Hamlet for his own purpose.  Slowly he began to work at his bindings.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mission to Sell

**Author's Note:**

> \--Prompt fill for #16 "Why are you laughing?" requested by A this time :3 and this came out. I'm not even sure how.  
> \-- Q's Russianized nickname came from a request by SinsOfOurFathers

Mission Transcript RWA-000328-080116

  


007:

Q?

 

**006:**

**Hush, if you aren’t quiet, you’ll wake it.**

 

007:

Wake what?

 

**006:**

**The Quartermishka.  I think I can hear him snoring.**

 

_Q:_

_It’s Quartermaster or Q.  Not that other...thing._

 

007:

Are we boring him?

 

**006:**

**I’m boring myself.**

 

_Q_

_You are in the middle of a nuclear missile auction.  How can you be bored? I’m not putting Tactical Battleship on your mobiles, you should be paying attention to…_

 

**006:**

**Oh good, we get the no fun Quartermishka.  I want a minion.  They’re fun.  They play games with us.**

 

_Q:_

_Was there a point to this conversation 006 or were you only hoping to relieve your boredom._

 

007:

There was a point to this.

 

**006:**

**Yeah, this auction…**

 

007:

It’s not like your regular auction.

 

_Q:_

_Oh?  Or should I say double-oh_.

 

**006:**

**Leave the jokes to us Mishka, it’s less painful that way.**

 

_Q:_

_Jacobson, add 006 to my list of least favorite agents.  Oh, you’re already on it.  Stop calling me Mishka._

 

**006:**

**Nyet.**

 

007:

Ladies, you’re both very pretty.

 

_Q:_

_*sighs*_

 

**006:**

**Okay, that’s it, we’re not even drawing straws anymore.  Mishka, this auction is kind of...a reverse auction.**

 

_Q:_

_How do you even have a reverse auction?_

 

007:

It sort of requires payment in flesh.  

 

_Q:_

_What do you mean sort of *typing* that’s not…_

 

007:

In the brief.  No, it’s not.  

 

**006:**

**Surprise!  If you want to participate in this auction, you must have something of value that they want above all else and will “sell” the missile for it.**  

 

007:

It may be a nuclear missile, but it’s what R would call a winky, dinky nuclear missile. We’ve been given one preview of it, but now they’re going to move it’s location again, before they announce the secondary location and start of the auction.

 

**006:**

**So, due to the fact that MI-6’s current funds are now worthless, by unanimous decision, and the winky dinkyness of this missile, I am going to use Jameska as payment.  I’m pretty sure these guys would just love to get their hands on a double-oh.  Think of how many secrets he knows.  And such a pretty one. Ouch!  Did you bring something nice Jameska?  I want you looking your best for when I display you.  Ow, quit it.**

 

_Q:_

_I’m sorry, could you repeat that, I thought you said you would be trading 007?_

 

**006:**

**No.**

 

_Q:_

_Oh good._

 

**006:**

**Technically we’d be selling him.  Do you want a receipt?**

 

007:

I do look better in a tux.  M will want the receipt.

 

**006:**

**Hmmm, we may have to go shopping, I think Q-branch forgot your tux this time.**

 

_Q:_

_While I am quite sure they would love to get their hands on a double-oh, they damn sure aren’t going to be getting their hands on one of my double-ohs!  This is unacceptable._  

 

**006:**

**Sorry Mishka, but I will be selling your boyfriend to rid the world of nuclear weapons.  It is a noble sacrifice, one Jameska is willing to do.**

 

007:

For Queen and Country, Alec, not for you.

 

**006:**

**As a citizen of the U.K., I am part of the “country” part of that statement.**  

 

_Q:_

_No, unacceptable.  You are not to sell 007 for the missiles.  You are not to risk it.  We’ll think of something else._

 

**006:**

**What is life without risk?  But Mishka, think how excited they’ll be to have 007!**

 

_Q_

_Again, No.  Not happening._

 

007:

While I’m pleased that you care so much, we have no choice Q.  Alec isn’t as well known as I am.

 

**006:**

**This is true, he is the one that assassinated a bomb maker on embassy grounds, was caught on camera and put in the newspaper as “British Spy.”  He has market value.**

 

_Q:_

_Surely there’s another way..._

 

**006:**

**If you can think of one in the next 36 hours, that would be great. But we’re on a tight time crunch here Mishka.**

 

007:

Alec, do you remember when we used to just have small, domestic adventures? Like searching for the right brand of yoghurt, or queuing at Tesco’s.  I mean seriously, when’s the last time we got into a fight with the chip and pin machines.

 

_Q:_

_The last time you got into a fight with the chip and pin machine, I had to fix the damage you caused.  It was tedious. Do you have to attempt to use 007, can’t you just steal the missile?_

  
007:

Hey, that machine deserved what it got.  Well, we would, but one of the safety measures for not stealing it is that is armed and we haven’t been able to identify who has the codes to disarm it.

 

**006:**

**They are moving it as we speak.  If you could disable the missile remotely, we’d be happy to steal it.**

 

_Q_

_If you wanted to deal with small, domestic adventures, I can easily transfer you to MI-5.  It would save Q-branch millions in pounds of equipment loss and damage.  Oh God, think of all the money we’d save.  *sigh*  Let me see what I can do from here._

 

**006:**

**Why choose the lesser of two evils? Go big or go home.**

 

007:

Hmm, nuclear missile auction or my empty flat?

 

**006:**

**It’s your fault that your flat is empty.  You forget about the explosion if we try to steal it.**

 

007:

Hmm, yes there is that option.

 

_Q:_

_Yes, if you hadn’t played dead, your flat would not be empty.  And 006, don’t you dare try to sell 007 in order to “go big” before I figure this out, or set it off.  I know you._

 

**006:**

**Mishka, for all your intelligentsya, you are no fun.**

 

_Q:_

_Again, it’s either Quartermaster or Q._

 

**006:**

**See, proof.**

 

_Q:_

_Damn._

  


007:

That doesn’t sound good.

 

_Q:_

_Whoever is in charge of this has the missile on a closed system.  I can’t access it remotely._

 

**006:**

**Looks like we’re back to plan A.  Sell 007.**

 

_Q:_

_Unacceptable._  

 

007:

By the way, I did manage to put a tracker on it.

 

_Q:_

_Trackers weren’t in your kit 007._

 

007:

I had a spare one lying around.

 

**006:**

**And you did not share with me?  Jameska, I am heartbroken.**

 

_Q:_

_Great, we can track it, but we can’t control it._

 

**006:**

**Da.**

 

_Q:_

_But you said 36 hours.  If you can track it, we can get to it before the other auction participants…_

 

007:

We?

 

**006:**

**What do you mean we, Mishka?**

 

_Q:_

_And I can disable it._

  


007:

…

 

**006:**

**...**

 

**006:**

**NO!**

 

007:

I forbid it!

 

_Q:_

_I’m sorry, but you’ve put me in an unenviable situation for which there is no out.  It’s either I come down there and disable the missile you’re tracking and make it worthless or…_

 

**006:**

**You’re infinitely more valuable than 007.**

 

_Q:_

_I’m going to pretend that you didn’t say that._

 

007:

Alec is right, Q.  I am an acceptable loss if it comes to it.  You are not.

 

_Q:_

_It won’t be a loss if I disable the missile.  You can’t stop me.  I won’t lose you._

 

007:

Q.

 

_Q:_

_If I might remind you of the hierarchy of MI-6.  Perhaps you’ve seen the flow charts?_

 

007:

Are you seriously pulling rank on us now!?

 

_Q:_

_Yes, and nothing you can do will stop me. As we’ve been speaking, I’ve booked my flight-_

 

007:

You hate flying!

 

Q:

_-briefed R, who will be handling us from here on out and I’m packing my gear.  I’ll be there shortly.  DO NOT EVEN THINK OF GOING ANYWHERE NEAR THAT MISSILE._

 

007:

DON’T YOU EVEN THINK OF COMING ANYWHERE NEAR HERE…

Q?

Q!

 

**006:**

**Mishka!?**

 

R: 

This is R, Q is currently on his way to your location. 

 

007:

Christ, R!

 

**006:**

**R!  You stun his ass before he leaves that building!**

 

R: 

I’m sorry, I’d love to.  I’d really, really love to and I came close to doing it, but technically, he does outrank you and me.  We have orders. 

 

007:

Get.  Moneypenny.

 

R: 

I’m sorry, 007.  We're under orders not to get Moneypenny. 

 

**006:**

**Fuck, I never thought I’d say this.  Get M.  Get Tanner.**

 

R: 

I regret to inform you that M and Tanner are both in Hong Kong in a World Security conference.  We're under orders not to contact them either.   

  


     His agents were unconventional  That was the only way he could explain it.  It was the only way he could explain how he continually found himself in these situations.  Scratch that, if his Agents were unconventional from having to be in these situations, then he himself must be as well, since he was now standing outside an airport  blinking into the dust and heat after getting on a dodgy plane and flying into an African airport.  He hated flying.  Oh how he hated flying.  When he found his agents he was going to kill them, leave no evidence and then plead ignorance.  M would never suspect him, “No one would ever find their bodies.” Q muttered to himself.  He tried to shake his fringe out of his eyes, but it was partially stuck to his forehead from sweat.  

 

     Q looked around him in a half-blind daze, to the left, a line of lush green mountains, directly around him, low lying buildings and incomprehensible traffic with shouting and languages he couldn’t even begin to fathom how to differentiate and understand without the help of a universal translator.  He began to hyperventilate in the heat and dust, as his medication finally started to leave his system.  He had flown.  He flew, he never flies and now people were talking to him in rapid fire language he didn’t understand.  How long had it been since he’d actually been in the field?  He couldn’t remember.  He couldn’t remember anything, why was he here?  He backed up as some random person pointing to a very randomly put together vehicle was trying to take his luggage and herd him into that odd vehicle.  Q shook his head tightened his grip on his messenger bag and duffle, panic rising.  “Q?  Q?”

 

007:

The tracker died.

 

_Q:_

_Impossible._

 

**006:**

**It wasn’t one of yours.  It was leftover from a long time ago.  From old Q.**  

 

_Q:_

_*sigh*  His gear wasn’t always tip top reliable was it?_

 

007:

It had it’s moments.

 

**006:**

**Well then back to plan A.**

 

_Q:_

_Yes and no, but we’re not selling 007._

 

**006:**

**How is that plan A?**

 

_Q:_

_We’ll be selling me._

 

**006:**

**Mishka, be serious!**

 

007:

This is getting ridiculous.  No Q, you can’t do this, you’re too valuable.

 

_Q:_

_Exactly.  I’m worth more than you two combined._

 

**006:**

**MI-6 can’t afford to lose you.**

 

007:

We can’t afford to lose you.

 

_Q:_

_It will be all right._

 

007:

How will it be all right?

 

_Q:_

_You two will retain your cover as ex/rogue agents who couldn’t hack it at MI-6 so decided to take it out on the Quartermaster, who instigated your firing papers.  Because you’re horrible agents who never return equipment and when you do it's in several unidentifiable pieces if it doesn't get eaten by a Komodo dragon...why are you laughing?  That is the oddest sound._

 

007:

You are never going to let that go are you?

 

**006:**

**I am so insulted right now it doesn’t even matter what you are saying.**

 

007:

It's still a no, Q.

 

_Q:_

_Stop laughing and stop interrupting.  In a fit of temper, you removed me from the safety of MI-6 and are now going to use me to bid for the missile so that you can…_

  


007:

Take over the world?  And it’s kidnap, not remove you from safety.  Jesus.

 

**006:**

**Mishka, we can not risk you.  You know too much.**

 

_Q:_

_If I ignore you this might go faster.  Anyways, R is handling this mission._

 

R: 

Hi guys. 

 

007:

Oh good, R.  I’m killing you when we get back.

 

R: 

Don’t forget the minions.  They’ll be pleased to be remembered. 

 

_Q:_

_Yes, R and the minions at this moment are securing and guarding MI-6’s security systems.  Passwords, firewalls, access ports, I know nothing of what they will be.  Anything I knew will be out of date and irrelevant._

 

007:

Which will frustrate the buyers to no end Q!

 

**006:**

**As if R could even think about keeping you out of the system for 5 seconds.  You would break her.**

 

R: 

Thanks for that vote of confidence, 006. 

 

**006:**

**No offense, but this is Q.  They won’t just want him to infiltrate MI-6. Q, you know this!**

 

R: 

We are prepared to do a full shutdown. 

 

007:

Really.

 

R:

Yes.  Although we’ll probably freak out the stations.  But the minions seem game to do it.

 

007:

Are you prepared to do a whole shutdown of every high security facility...in the world?  Every satellite, every banking institution?  Because that's what you're going to have to do if they get hold of Q.  

 

R:

Um.

 

007:

That's what I thought.

 

 

_Q:_

_Well we don’t have any other options!_

 

**006**

**Yes we do, we sell 007!**

 

007:

Thanks Alec.

 

**006:**

**It’s our best and safest option.  You can put one of your newfangled trackers on, in, 007 and I can rescue him when it’s over…**

 

_Q:_

_We.  We can rescue..IF I allow you to submit him as our funds!_

  


007:

If?

 

**006:**

**What is this if you speak of?**

 

007:

Because it sure as hell won’t be you out there.

 

_Q:_

_Well it’s not going to be you.  They’ve already seen you, or have you forgotten that._

 

**006:**

**I can turn on him and out his identity.  Typical backstabbing behavior.  Once a backstabber, always a backstabber.  Plus, we would not be able to verify your identity as the Quartermishka.**

 

007:

That's true, no one has ever seen the Quartermaster of MI-6.  Is it too late to snag a minion.

 

R: 

Oh, they’d love that.  Do we have any volunteers? 

 

Minion: 

Ooh, ooh, me, me!  I volunteer as tribute! 

 

**006:**

**You’re all mental.**

 

_Q:_

_It’s too late for that and if you think I’ll risk a minion-_

 

**R, 006, 007, Minions:**

**BUT YOU’LL RISK YOURSELF!!**

 

_Q:_

_..._

_Yes._

 

R: 

006, 007.  Remember what we talked about?  Make fast the vessel. 

 

*Tearing sounds*

 

 

_Q:_

_What?  Shit!  R!_

 

*heavy thuds*

 

*scraping*

 

007:

*panting* Vessel secure R.

 

**006:**

***panting* Who packs that much electrical tape?**

 

R: 

 Q.  Always.  It’s his weakness or compulsion. 

 

**006:**

**Operation Sell 007 to commence.**

 

007:

I did not agree to name the operation that.

 

_Q:_

_I will court martial you for this._

 

**006:**

**He doesn’t need his mouth to type does he?**

 

_Q:_

_You wouldn’t dare._

 

007:

Leave it free, he’ll need to talk to R and us, in order to talk us through diffusing the missile.

 

R: 

There’s always the text to talk feature available in the earpieces. 

 

_Q:_

_R!_

 

R: 

What? I’m helping.  I learned from 006. 

 

     Q glared out from behind his glasses and fringe as he watched 006 and 007 prep and get ready for the auction.  They had actually used his rolls of electrical tape against him and enthusiastically wrapped as much of him as they could see to the chair in their hotel room, including his mouth.  He could say nothing.  007 had even used a few of his charging cables on his arms and legs, knowing he would never cut into his precious cables and wires.  Q flexed his fingers, they hadn’t cut off the blood supply to his hands and he could still reach his laptop that they left open for him.  

 

**006:**

**Claws in Mishka.  We’re almost done getting ready.  Now, don’t you look pretty Jameska.  These handcuffs will go well with that shade of blue.  They will bring out your eyes.**

 

     Alec was lounging on the bed, waiting for James to finish getting ready, he was swinging a pair of cuffs from his hand.  He had refused to put on anything resembling evening wear and instead wore his black heavy tactical pants, jacket and boots.  007 came out of the ensuite bathroom, adjusting his cuffs and watch.  In contradiction to Alec, he was wearing a midnight blue tux.  It was cut to precision, molded gently across the shoulders, gentle lines around his trim waist, the perfect inverted triangle: black satin lapels, perfect length, subtle movement, best served with an Aston Martin...and 007 and 006 had both gone silent.  Q looked up and his fair skin betrayed him.  He had been caught admiring 007.  

**006:**

**I think we’ll get our money’s worth out of you if The Quartermishka’s reaction is any indication of how expensive you look.**

 

R: 

Take a picture! 

  


**006:**

**Of 007 or of Mishka.**

 

R: 

Both, take one of both, the minions are dying over here.  We’re ready, by the way for well...whatever. 

 

     Alec roused himself from the bed and walked over to Q.  He squeezed his shoulder once releasing it to move to the door.

 

**006:**

**I’ll be very careful with him.  Come Jameska, it’s showtime.**

 

     James paused by Q’s chair and rested a hand on Q’s shoulder, catching his attention.  Q looked up into an ocean of mystery held within 007’s smiling eyes.  James leaned forward and briefly pressed his lips against Q’s own tape covered ones, before withdrawing.

 

007:

I’ll be back Q.  Remember, I excel at resurrection.

 

     Q’s eyes closed and he listened to the two agents as they left the safety of the hotel room for the unknown risk of the auction. To sell, perchance to buy - ay, there’s that rub.  For in that sell of death, what dreams may come?  Q twisted the lines of Hamlet for his own purpose.  Slowly he began to work at his bindings.  


End file.
